.....

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

One step closer

www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIj07LL57RA‎

 Christina Perri - A Thousand Years 

today

clearly today is one of tjose days i am having over flow of emotions all over the place... i am channeling them all here so i dont start to dig myself into holes as usual.... so yeah,,, whatever...

i like clothes. i like finding new ways to wear clothes, its like breathing new life into them.. introducing them to yet another level of fabulous... i like my clothes like cheaters, the more ways they can go... the hotter to me they are.
i love the way it feels to put an outfit on and feel like you can rule the world, to suddenly have the confidence to face the day
it seems like a very very shallow passion, and i am all about looking under the surface and finding truths hidden behind facades... but i love fashion.
to some its nothing but a superficial non essential , but to me its expression.
its freedom, its truth, its a shield when i need to feel safe and a window into my soul when i'm vulnerable.
i dream of making clothes that people will love like i love... that will be transformed from fabric to expression, to freedom, to happiness, to strength.... to life
its a dream that i am determined to not let pass me by... 

To independence.

people everywhere tell themselves and others they don't care what anyone else thinks about them. this is seldom true. i have said it many times but i know better than anyone that i lie. i think the concept is misunderstood, its not really about caring what other people think about u as it is about knowing what matters and what doesn't about these perceptions. being able to stay true to yourself regardless of every one pulling u in different directions, being able to respect people's opinions without letting them dilute yours. i can admit it would probably be soo much easier to let another's mind decide your life course and be nothing but a puppet on a string, the harder thing to do is to form your own opinions, dreams and ambitions, passions, walk your own road, one never walked before. its easy to get lost because there are no footsteps in the sand to follow, but the happiness, contentment and comfort on that journey can not be found elsewhere, not in following fads, not in being the daddy's little girl and letting him choose your life path, not in letting your lover control your life, and not in trying to be the next it girl after the last. i don't want to be anything or anyone other than me. i care what certain people that are important to me think but i will not let those opinions mold my life. only i have the power to do that. 

a girl i used to know

we used to be friends.... over the years, only when we were together but(distance never seemed to work) but we were friends. on our good days you were the ying to my yang... on bad days well... we both never really learned to let go of our pride. never a dull moment, either extremely happy and inseparable or mad as hell and not speaking. the roller coaster was bound to end in a fatal crash. i think about you sometimes, convince myself i dont care whats going on with you... but i think about you.... i told myself you were too selfish for us to remain, too immature to have a true friendship, i found a million reasons why i should be glad you were gone, and i was too proud to let myself think i wanted you in my life regardless.i cant pretend i don't miss you somedays... but now you are just a girl i used to know. i will never forget mountain dews at lunch and cookies at break.... birthdays were the funnest... urs anyway... people ask me how you are or why we dont talk... i avoid giving answers. the only true answer is that no matter how hard u try to hold on or think you can let go , some people come into your life for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. i have no reason, but we had our season.... it didnt last a lifetime.

...Busy Dreaming

i am a dreamer. i cannot deny it. i have had fantasies of being a famous athlete's girlfriend, a sexy lawyer chic, an internationally recognized fashion designer, just rich, and a heart surgeon even! it has its pros and cons.  some times time spent living in a fantasy world is time wasted, and we all know you have to do to achieve... said dreams in this case, and its easy to lose grasp of reality. But in order to focus energy into obtaining goals you have to have them, and to me goals are born of dreams... so yeah i'm a dreamer. I am trying to be more of an active dreamer than a dreamy dreamer... hihi

on a lighter note i want to rant about Mixing and Matching; Prints, Patterns and colors. Countless trends over the years have hit the fashion scene and had me thinking 'nah... i'll let that one pass' and one of them from last year was mixing Prints/patterns.... i just felt like it went against every rule ever made about style and dressing. i saw a few it girls and boys pull it off to my satisfaction but i still wasn't quite convinced until all of a sudden now i am dying to mix everything up, to break all the rules, be daring and above all look hot! I am not usually an over the top person so obviously i am not going to go crazy with it, and i figure its wise to keep the entire outfit in the same colors and not too many colors, two or three max, and also keep it neutral with the accessories. i like to go uber matchy with the accessories when i wear different prints, and to keep it work appropriate i am sticking to blacks, whites, browns, navys and such when i mix... a few outfits i put together for my monthly lookbook or outfit planner here

 These would be my first attempt at mixing...... maybe i'll upload a few of myself when worn, good luck to me:)

so its pretty clear that my relationship with blogging is on again off again...... i hat to admit that's probably how i am with most interests or hobbies i pick up.... i was having a hard time streamlining... trying to make the blog about SOMETHING in particular and thinking to much about who would be reading.... like i was trying to make a product marketable. But i am approaching it from a new perspective now.... i am seeing it as mine, my space, my secret, my own piece of the world that i don't have to share, don't have to align with any one else's preferences and don't have to hold back from.

i think i have some sort of mild depression or manic episodes.... i can count the number of times in the past few weeks that i have had an actual reason for being down on life or feeling rejected, alone and misunderstood yet somehow even in not being able to justify these emotions i spiral deeper into them... i find myself in a pit.. of emptiness mostly... trying to convince myself that the people i know love me don't, that the reason they don't is either because i am a bad person, i'm ugly, i'm dumb or whatever reason my mind can conjure up at the time... i come up with a hundred reasons why i should be sad and then hate myself for feeling sorry for myself and being so ungrateful.... its usually the guilt that finally knocks me upside my head and forces me to look for a distraction or an actual reason to be okay  if not happy with my life...

the other day i had a moment so low i had to turn it off... otherwise i would have been bawling all night on a supposedly wild night out with friends. When i got home i reached for a knife in the drawer... not to slice an onion or my wrists... but to try to get myself to feel something other than and real-er than the pit in my gut. i dont know if it was out of conditioning... that people who feel a certain way cut themselves to distract from the pain they feel inside, or maybe that i had had a little bit to drink

i am trying to teach myself that i am the master of my emotions... and granted everyone has their weak moments but i only have me to blame if i let myself wallow in loneliness and self pity. it is within my control to steer my thoughts towards positivity and know that just because life isn't perfect doesn't mean it cant be wonderful. In fact that's my quote for the day:) read it off a t.shirt a girl on lookbook wore today... least place i'd expect to find words of wisdom right...

 so i'm going to call today my first step towards rediscovery...... or all fresh discovery if old ways aren't working. Part of it is this blog right here. it isn't about fashion, it isn't about beauty, style or a jewelry business and it isnt about who might be reading... its about me... and the things and the people that make me feel happy, content, fulfilled and strong enough to take on life on bad days and good days... i don't open up easily and i know this is probably easier written than done. But when you hit rick bottom there is no where to go but up, right???