so its pretty clear that my relationship with blogging is on again off again...... i hat to admit that's probably how i am with most interests or hobbies i pick up.... i was having a hard time streamlining... trying to make the blog about SOMETHING in particular and thinking to much about who would be reading.... like i was trying to make a product marketable. But i am approaching it from a new perspective now.... i am seeing it as mine, my space, my secret, my own piece of the world that i don't have to share, don't have to align with any one else's preferences and don't have to hold back from.

i think i have some sort of mild depression or manic episodes.... i can count the number of times in the past few weeks that i have had an actual reason for being down on life or feeling rejected, alone and misunderstood yet somehow even in not being able to justify these emotions i spiral deeper into them... i find myself in a pit.. of emptiness mostly... trying to convince myself that the people i know love me don't, that the reason they don't is either because i am a bad person, i'm ugly, i'm dumb or whatever reason my mind can conjure up at the time... i come up with a hundred reasons why i should be sad and then hate myself for feeling sorry for myself and being so ungrateful.... its usually the guilt that finally knocks me upside my head and forces me to look for a distraction or an actual reason to be okay  if not happy with my life...

the other day i had a moment so low i had to turn it off... otherwise i would have been bawling all night on a supposedly wild night out with friends. When i got home i reached for a knife in the drawer... not to slice an onion or my wrists... but to try to get myself to feel something other than and real-er than the pit in my gut. i dont know if it was out of conditioning... that people who feel a certain way cut themselves to distract from the pain they feel inside, or maybe that i had had a little bit to drink

i am trying to teach myself that i am the master of my emotions... and granted everyone has their weak moments but i only have me to blame if i let myself wallow in loneliness and self pity. it is within my control to steer my thoughts towards positivity and know that just because life isn't perfect doesn't mean it cant be wonderful. In fact that's my quote for the day:) read it off a t.shirt a girl on lookbook wore today... least place i'd expect to find words of wisdom right...

 so i'm going to call today my first step towards rediscovery...... or all fresh discovery if old ways aren't working. Part of it is this blog right here. it isn't about fashion, it isn't about beauty, style or a jewelry business and it isnt about who might be reading... its about me... and the things and the people that make me feel happy, content, fulfilled and strong enough to take on life on bad days and good days... i don't open up easily and i know this is probably easier written than done. But when you hit rick bottom there is no where to go but up, right???